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Infidelity Deutsch

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Infidelity Deutsch

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Infidelity Deutsch Video

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The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust.

But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?

The vast majority of people that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers. They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner.

But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything.

But for a glimmer of what? Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya, who is blissfully married, loves her husband, and would never want to hurt the man.

But she also tells me that she's always done what was expected of her: good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of her immigrant parents.

Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy. And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her.

But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had. And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become.

And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self. Now, all over the world, there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me.

They feel alive. And they often will tell me stories of recent losses — of a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, and bad news at the doctor.

Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it?

Is there more? Am I going on for another 25 years like this? Will I ever feel that thing again? And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions are the ones that propel people to cross the line, and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness, in an antidote to death.

And contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important.

And the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting that which you can't have.

Now some of you probably think that affairs don't happen in open relationships, but they do. First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same as the conversation about infidelity.

But the fact is that it seems that even when we have the freedom to have other sexual partners, we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden, that if we do that which we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really doing what we want to.

And I've also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me.

So how do we heal from an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep. But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine.

But others will jolt us into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity.

They'll be able to turn this into a generative experience. And I'm actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner, who will often say, "You think I didn't want more?

But I'm not the one who did it. I've noticed that a lot of couples, in the immediate aftermath of an affair, because of this new disorder that may actually lead to a new order, will have depths of conversations with honesty and openness that they haven't had in decades.

And, partners who were sexually indifferent find themselves suddenly so lustfully voracious, they don't know where it's coming from.

Something about the fear of loss will rekindle desire, and make way for an entirely new kind of truth. So when an affair is exposed, what are some of the specific things that couples can do?

We know from trauma that healing begins when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing. So for the partner who had the affair, for Nick, one thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential, important act of expressing guilt and remorse for hurting his wife.

But the truth is that I have noticed that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they don't feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself.

And that distinction is important. And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship. He needs to become, for a while, the protector of the boundaries.

It's his responsibility to bring it up, because if he thinks about it, he can relieve Heather from the obsession, and from having to make sure that the affair isn't forgotten, and that in itself begins to restore trust.

But for Heather, or deceived partners, it is essential to do things that bring back a sense of self-worth, to surround oneself with love and with friends and activities that give back joy and meaning and identity.

But even more important, is to curb the curiosity to mine for the sordid details — Where were you? Where did you do it?

How often? Is she better than me in bed? And instead, switch to what I call the investigative questions, the ones that mine the meaning and the motives — What did this affair mean for you?

What were you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me? What was it like for you when you came home? What is it about us that you value?

Are you pleased this is over? Every affair will redefine a relationship, and every couple will determine what the legacy of the affair will be.

But affairs are here to stay, and they're not going away. And the dilemmas of love and desire, they don't yield just simple answers of black and white and good and bad, and victim and perpetrator.

Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence.

Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage.

Now, you've listened to me, and I know what you're thinking: She has a French accent, she must be pro-affair. Laughter So, you're wrong.

I am not French. Laughter Applause And I'm not pro-affair. But because I think that good can come out of an affair, I have often been asked this very strange question: Would I ever recommend it?

Now, I would no more recommend you have an affair than I would recommend you have cancer, and yet we know that people who have been ill often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective.

Predictors for men were sex drive, attachment avoidance and previous acts of infidelity. Predictors for women were sex drive and relationship status.

Attachment and sexual motivations likely influence the evolved jealousy mechanism. Men responded with greater self-reported jealousy and psychological distress when imagining their partner in Extra-pair copulation , whereas, women were more upset by the thoughts of an emotionally unfaithful partner.

Group differences were also found, with women responding with stronger emotions to emotional and sexual infidelity than men.

Heterosexuals valued emotional and sexual infidelity as more emotionally draining than homosexuals individuals did.

Summarizing the findings from studies, heterosexual men seem to be more distressed by sexual infidelity than heterosexual women, lesbian women, and gay men.

After infidelity stress was present. The imbalance causes jealousy in unfaithful relationships and jealousy remained after the relationship concluded.

Women displayed an insecure long-term mating response. Lack of self-worth is evident after the infidelity in the daily life and involvement.

Studies have found that men are more likely to engage in extramarital sex if they are unsatisfied sexually, while women are more likely to engage in extramarital sex if they are unsatisfied emotionally.

Anthropologists tend to believe humans are neither completely monogamous nor completely polygamous. Anthropologist Bobbi Low says we are "slightly polygamous"; while Deborah Blum believes we are "ambiguously monogamous," and slowly moving away from the polygamous habits of our evolutionary ancestors.

According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, there are numerous psychological reasons for adultery. Some people may want to supplement a marriage, solve a sex problem, gather more attention, seek revenge, or have more excitement in the marriage.

But based on Fisher's research, there also is a biological side to adultery. Often, gender differences in both jealousy and infidelity are attributable to cultural factors.

This variation stems from the fact that societies differ in how they view extramarital affairs and jealousy. Therefore, when an individual feels jealousy towards another, it is usually because they are now sharing their primary source of attention and satisfaction.

However, variation can be seen when identifying the behaviors and actions that betray the role of primary attention satisfaction giver.

For instance, in certain cultures if an individual goes out with another of the opposite gender, emotions of intense jealousy can result; however, in other cultures, this behavior is perfectly acceptable and is not given much thought.

It is important to understand where these cultural variations come from and how they root themselves into differing perceptions of infidelity.

While many cultures report infidelity as wrong and admonish it, some are more tolerant of such behaviour. These views are generally linked to the overall liberal nature of the society.

For instance, Danish society is viewed as more liberal than many other cultures, and as such, have correlating liberal views on infidelity and extramarital affairs.

In Danish society, having sex does not necessarily imply a deep emotional attachment. As a result, infidelity does not carry such a severe negative connotation.

The cultural difference is most likely due to the more restrictive nature of Chinese society, thus, making infidelity a more salient concern. Sexual promiscuity is more prominent in the United States, thus it follows that American society is more preoccupied with infidelity than Chinese society.

Even within Christianity in the United States , there are discrepancies as to how extramarital affairs are viewed. For instance, Protestants and Catholics do not view infidelity with equal severity.

The conception of marriage is also markedly different; while in Roman Catholicism marriage is seen as an indissoluble sacramental bond and does not permit divorce even in cases of infidelity, most Protestant denominations allow for divorce and remarriage for infidelity or other reasons.

Ultimately, it was seen that adults that associated with a religion any denomination were found to view infidelity as much more distressing than those who were not affiliated with a religion.

Those that participated more heavily in their religions were even more conservative in their views on infidelity. Some research has also suggested that being African American has a positive correlation to infidelity, even when education attainment is controlled for.

For example, Schmitt discusses how tribal cultures with higher pathogen stress are more likely to have polygynous marriage systems; whereas monogamous mating systems usually have relatively lower high-pathogen environments.

Strategic pluralism is a theory that focuses on how environmental factors influence mating strategies. According to this theory, when people live within environments that are demanding and stressful, the need for bi-parental care is greater for increasing the survival of offspring.

Correspondingly, monogamy and commitment are more commonplace. On the other hand, when people live within environments that encompass little stress and threats to the viability of offspring, the need for serious and committed relations is lowered, and therefore promiscuity and infidelity are more common.

Sex ratio theory is a theory that explains the relationship and sexual dynamics within different areas of the world based on the ratio of the number of marriage-aged men to marriage-aged women.

According to this theory, an area has a high sex ratio when there is a higher number of marriage-aged women to marriage-aged men and an area has a low sex ratio when there are more marriage-aged men.

On the other hand, when sex ratios are low, promiscuity is less common because women are in demand and since they desire monogamy and commitment, in order for men to remain competitive in the pool of mates, they must respond to these desires.

Support for this theory comes from evidence showing higher divorce rates in countries with higher sex ratios and higher monogamy rates in countries with lower sex ratios.

While infidelity is by no means exclusive to certain groups of people, its perception can be influenced by other factors. Furthermore, within a "homogeneous culture," like that in the United States, factors like community size can be strong predictors of how infidelity is perceived.

Larger communities tend to care less about infidelity whereas small towns are much more concerned with such issues. For example, a cantina in a small, rural Mexican community is often viewed as a place where "decent" or "married" women do not go because of its semi-private nature.

Conversely, public spaces like the market or plaza are acceptable areas for heterosexual interaction. A smaller population size presents the threat of being publicly recognized for infidelity.

However, within a larger community of the same Mexican society, entering a bar or watering hole would garner a different view.

It would be deemed perfectly acceptable for both married and unmarried individuals to drink at a bar in a large city. These observations can be paralleled to rural and urban societies in the United States as well.

According to a survey of 16, individuals in 53 countries by David Schmitt , mate poaching happens significantly more frequently in Middle Eastern countries such as Turkey and Lebanon , and less frequently in East Asian countries such as China and Japan.

The parental investment theory is used to explain evolutionary pressures that can account for sex differences in infidelity. This theory states that the sex that invests less in the offspring has more to gain from indiscriminate sexual behaviour.

This means that women, who typically invest more time and energy into raising their offspring 9 months of carrying offspring, breast feeding etc.

Men on the other hand, have less parental investment and so they are driven towards indiscriminate sexual activity with multiple partners as such activity increases the likelihood of their reproduction.

It can however, still account for the occurrence of extradyadic sexual relationships among women. For example, a woman whose husband has fertilization difficulties can benefit from engaging in sexual activity outside of her relationship.

She can gain access to high-quality genes and still derive the benefit of parental investment from her husband or partner who is unknowingly investing in their illegitimate child.

One defense mechanism that some researchers believe is effective at preventing infidelity is jealousy. Jealousy is an emotion that can elicit strong responses.

Cases have been commonly documented where sexual jealousy was a direct cause of murders and morbid jealousy. These suggestions are: [64].

Looking at jealousy's physiological mechanism offers support for this idea. Jealousy is a form of stress response which has been shown to activate the sympathetic nervous system by increasing heart rate , blood pressure , and respiration.

Because infidelity imposed such a fitness cost, those who had the jealous emotional response, improved their fitness, and could pass down the jealousy module to the next generation.

Another defense mechanism for preventing infidelity is by social monitoring and acting on any violation of expectations. Researchers in favor of this defense mechanism speculate that in our ancestor's times, the act of sex or emotional infidelity is what triggered jealousy and therefore the signal detection would have happened only after infidelity had occurred, making jealousy an emotional by-product with no selective function.

A more recently suggested defense mechanism of infidelity attracting more attention is that a particular social group will punish cheaters by damaging their reputation.

This damage will impair the future benefits that individual can confer from the group and its individuals. Support for this defense mechanism comes from fieldwork by Hirsch and his colleagues that found that gossip about extramarital affairs in a small community in Mexico was particularly prevalent and devastating for reputation in this region.

In this community, men having extramarital affairs did so in private areas with lower prevalence of women connected to the community, such as bars and brothels , both areas of which had a high risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections.

The proliferation of sex chat rooms and dating apps has increased the opportunity for people in committed relationships to engage in acts of infidelity on and off the Internet.

A cyber affair is defined as "a romantic or sexual relationship initiated by online contact and maintained primarily via online communication".

The majority of Americans believe that if a partner engaged in cybersex this constitutes as an act of infidelity.

In an attempt to differentiate offline and online infidelity, Cooper, Morahan-Martin, Mathy, and Maheu constructed a "Triple-A Engine", which identifies the three aspects of Internet infidelity that distinguish it, to some degree, from traditional infidelity:.

In a study of Dutch undergraduate students involved in serious intimate relationships, participants were presented with four dilemmas concerning a partner's emotional and sexual infidelity over the Internet.

They found a significant sex difference as to whether participants chose sexual and emotional infidelity as more upsetting. More men than women indicated that a partner's sexual involvement would upset them more than a partner's emotional bonding with someone else.

Similarly, in the dilemma involving infidelity over the Internet, more men indicated their partner's sexual involvement would upset them more than a partner's emotional bonding with someone else.

Women, on the other hand, expressed more problems with emotional infidelity over the Internet than did men. Online infidelity can be just as damaging to a relationship as offline physical unfaithfulness.

A possible explanation is that our brain registers virtual and physical acts the same way and responds similarly. A study by Beatriz Lia Avila Mileham in examined the phenomenon of online infidelity in chat rooms.

The following factors were investigated: what elements and dynamics online infidelity involves and how it happens; what leads individuals specifically to the computer to search for a relationship on the side ; whether individuals consider online contacts as infidelity and why or why not; and what dynamics chat room users experience in their marriages.

All countries in Europe, as well as most countries in Latin America have decriminalized adultery; however, in many countries in Africa and Asia particularly the Middle East this type of infidelity is criminalized.

Even where infidelity is not a criminal offense, it may have legal implications in divorce cases; for example it may be a factor in property settlement , the custody of children, the denial of alimony , etc.

The constitutionality of US criminal laws on adultery is unclear due to Supreme Court decisions in giving privacy of sexual intimacy to consenting adults, as well as broader implications of Lawrence v.

Texas Adultery is declared to be illegal in 21 states. In many jurisdictions, adultery may have indirect legal implications, particularly in cases of infliction of violence, such as domestic assaults and killings, in particular by mitigating murder to manslaughter , [91] or otherwise providing for partial or complete defenses in case of violence, especially in cultures where there is a traditional toleration of crimes of passion and honor killings.

Such provisions have been condemned by the Council of Europe and the United Nations in recent years. The Council of Europe Recommendation Rec 5 of the Committee of Ministers to member states on the protection of women against violence states that member states should As the number of women in the workforce increases to match that men, researchers expect the likelihood of infidelity will also increase with workplace interactions.

Kuroki found married women were less likely to have a workplace affair, whereas self-employed individuals are more likely. Companies cannot ban adultery, as, in all but a handful of states, such regulations would run afoul of laws prohibiting discrimination on the basis of marital status.

Firings nonetheless often occur on the basis of charges of inappropriate office conduct. Academics and therapists say cheating is probably more prevalent on the road than close to home.

The protection of the road offers a secret life of romance, far from spouses or partners. Affairs range from one-night stands to relationships that last for years.

They are usually with a co-worker, a business associate or someone they repeatedly encounter. Another reason for the development of office romances is the amount of time co-workers spend together.

Spouses today often spend more time with co-workers in the office than with each other. A Newsweek article notes, "Nearly 60 percent of American women work outside the home, up from about 40 percent in Quite simply, women intersect with more people during the day than they used to.

They go to more meetings, take more business trips and, presumably, participate more in flirtatious water-cooler chatter. According to Debra Laino in an article for Shave , some of the reasons women cheat at the workplace are because "women are disproportionately exposed to men in the workplace, and, as a direct consequence, many have more options and chances to cheat.

Swinging is a form of extradyadic sex where married couples exchange partners with each other. Swinging was originally called "wife-swapping", but due to the sexist connotations and the fact that many wives were willing to swap partners, "mate swapping" and or "swinging" was substituted.

Swinging can be closed or open, where couples meet and each pair goes off to a separate room or they have sex in the same room.

According to Henshel , the initiation into the world of swinging usually is done by the husband. Reasons for getting involved in swinging are the variety of sexual partners and experiences, pleasure or excitement, meeting new people, and voyeurism.

Another form of extradyadic sex is polyamory , a "non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously".

One type of group relationship can be a triad involving a married couple and an additional person who all share sexual intimacy, however, it is usually an addition of a female.

Polyamorous relationships are distinguished from extramarital affairs by the full disclosure and consent of all involved. Because both men and women can have multiple partners, these individuals do not consider themselves to be either uncommitted or unfaithful.

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Cheating, adultery, or having an affair. For other uses, see Infidelity disambiguation.

Diagram of parallel relationships infidelity. Polygamy Polyandry Polygyny. Cicisbeo Concubinage Courtesan Mistress. Breakup Separation Annulment Divorce Widowhood.

Emotions and feelings. International Journal of Comparative Sociology. The New York Times. Journal of Sex Research. American Journal of Public Health.

Journal of Marriage and Family. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. Archived from the original on People and Place.

Law and ethics of AID and embryo transfer. Ciba Foundation symposium. Vol J Epidemiol Community Health. Am J Hum Genet. Proc Biol Sci. Personality and Individual Differences.

Psychological Science. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Personality and Social Psychology Review. Australian Journal of Psychology.

We find strong genetic effects on extrapair mating in women and, for the first time, in men. Behavioral and Brain Sciences. Envy and jealousy: Self and society.

The Psychology of Jealousy and Envy. New York: Henry Holt. Psychology Today. Retrieved Journal of Sex Education and Therapy.

Michelle; Baker, Levi R. Journal of Family Psychology. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. Rosie; Weigel, Daniel J.

Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. The Independent. Blame Evolution". Live Science. J Fam Psychol. Journal of Research on Adolescence.

The Daily Targum. Rutgers University. Archived from the original on August 21, Retrieved 16 September Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology.

Ethology and Sociobiology. Journal of Family Issues.

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Infidelity Deutsch Video

Her Infidelity # Lifetime Full movie # 2020 Based on True story # 2020 PLEASE SUBSCRIBE! Thank U. Rates of infidelity among women are thought to increase with age. Summarizing the findings Kelly Family News these studies, heterosexual men seem to be more distressed by sexual infidelity than heterosexual women, lesbian women, and Gumball 3000 Route 2019 men. According to this theory, an area has a high sex ratio when there is a higher number of marriage-aged women to marriage-aged men and an area has a Vikings Staffel 5 Online Stream sex ratio Lindenstrasse Online there are more marriage-aged men. The fact is that monogamy had nothing to do with love. American Journal of Public Health. Am I going Bill Campbell for another 25 years like this? The following factors were investigated: what elements and dynamics online infidelity involves and Infidelity Deutsch it happens; what leads individuals specifically to the computer to search for a relationship on the side ; whether individuals consider online contacts as infidelity and why or why not; and what dynamics chat room users experience in their marriages. The definition of jealousy is the feeling Tietjen Talkt Heute showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship or losing something or someone's attention.

And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking.

As Marcel Proust said, it's our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person. So it's never been easier to cheat, and it's never been more difficult to keep a secret.

And never has infidelity exacted such a psychological toll. When marriage was an economic enterprise, infidelity threatened our economic security.

But now that marriage is a romantic arrangement, infidelity threatens our emotional security. Ironically, we used to turn to adultery — that was the space where we sought pure love.

But now that we seek love in marriage, adultery destroys it. Now, there are three ways that I think infidelity hurts differently today.

We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidant, my emotional companion, my intellectual equal.

And infidelity tells me I'm not. It is the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity shatters the grand ambition of love.

But if throughout history, infidelity has always been painful, today it is often traumatic, because it threatens our sense of self.

So my patient Fernando, he's plagued. He goes on: "I thought I knew my life. I thought I knew who you were, who we were as a couple, who I was.

Now, I question everything. And this is also what my patient Heather is telling me, when she's talking to me about her story with Nick. Married, two kids.

Nick just left on a business trip, and Heather is playing on his iPad with the boys, when she sees a message appear on the screen: "Can't wait to see you.

And then another message: "Can't wait to hold you in my arms. She also tells me that her father had affairs, but her mother, she found one little receipt in the pocket, and a little bit of lipstick on the collar.

Heather, she goes digging, and she finds hundreds of messages, and photos exchanged and desires expressed. The vivid details of Nick's two-year affair unfold in front of her in real time, And it made me think: Affairs in the digital age are death by a thousand cuts.

But then we have another paradox that we're dealing with these days. Because of this romantic ideal, we are relying on our partner's fidelity with a unique fervor.

But we also have never been more inclined to stray, and not because we have new desires today, but because we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires, because this is the culture where I deserve to be happy.

And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame.

So Heather, she can't talk to her friends because she's afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick, and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice: Leave him.

Throw the dog on the curb. And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation. Staying is the new shame.

So if we can divorce, why do we still have affairs? Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats, either there's something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you.

But millions of people can't all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust.

But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide?

If even happy people cheat, what is it about? The vast majority of people that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers. They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner.

But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything.

But for a glimmer of what? Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.

I'm thinking about another patient of mine, Priya, who is blissfully married, loves her husband, and would never want to hurt the man.

But she also tells me that she's always done what was expected of her: good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of her immigrant parents.

Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy. And with his truck and his tattoos, he's quite the opposite of her.

But at 47, Priya's affair is about the adolescence that she never had. And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become.

And it isn't so much that we're looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self. Now, all over the world, there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me.

They feel alive. And they often will tell me stories of recent losses — of a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, and bad news at the doctor.

Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it? Is there more? Am I going on for another 25 years like this?

Will I ever feel that thing again? And it has led me to think that perhaps these questions are the ones that propel people to cross the line, and that some affairs are an attempt to beat back deadness, in an antidote to death.

And contrary to what you may think, affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important.

And the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting that which you can't have.

Now some of you probably think that affairs don't happen in open relationships, but they do. First of all, the conversation about monogamy is not the same as the conversation about infidelity.

But the fact is that it seems that even when we have the freedom to have other sexual partners, we still seem to be lured by the power of the forbidden, that if we do that which we are not supposed to do, then we feel like we are really doing what we want to.

And I've also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me.

So how do we heal from an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep. But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine.

But others will jolt us into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together.

But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity. It proved that sex was more relevant to men than to women and being in a healthy emotional relationship was more important to women than to men.

Those who are cheated on experience a great amount of anxiety, stress and depression. Shrout was among researchers who conducted a study based on the hypothesis that people experiencing those emotions because of an infidelity are more likely to engage in activities that are a health risk.

The experiment Shrout and her colleagues conducted validated their hypothesis, showing a direct link between emotions caused by infidelity and an increase in dangerous behaviors.

Being cheated on seems to not only to have mental health consequences, but also increases risky behaviors. The study examined the link between the emotional distress caused by infidelity and health-compromising behaviors, perception of blame and self-esteem, and the differences in the reactions of men and women.

Not only did they prove the connection between the distress and risky behavior, but they also found that those who blamed themselves for their partners unfaithfulness were also more like to participate in risky behavior.

The researchers proved the more distress you feel the more likely the individual is to take part in unhealthy acts and the more the victim blamed themselves the more distress they experienced.

Shrout's study concluded that women who experienced negative appraisals, like self-blame and causal attribution, led to emotional distress and increased health-compromising behavior.

However, women are more affected than men. This is due perception; women perceive relationships as more of a priority and are usually more emotionally attached.

Shrout and her team in Reno's initial hypothesis was proven: not only do victims of infidelity experience emotional trauma, but that trauma leads to more risky actions or behaviors.

In addition to the behaviors first examined, such as depriving themselves of food and nutrients, consuming alcohol or using drugs more often, increased sexual activity, having sex under the influence of drugs or alcohol or over-exercising, people also felt a loss of trust that expands beyond romantic relationships.

Victims can become strained from their family members. Several emotions are present after the act of infidelity. Jealousy is a common emotion after infidelity.

The definition of jealousy is the feeling or showing suspicion of someone's unfaithfulness in a relationship or losing something or someone's attention.

Individual differences were predictors of jealousy, which differed for men and women. Predictors for men were sex drive, attachment avoidance and previous acts of infidelity.

Predictors for women were sex drive and relationship status. Attachment and sexual motivations likely influence the evolved jealousy mechanism.

Men responded with greater self-reported jealousy and psychological distress when imagining their partner in Extra-pair copulation , whereas, women were more upset by the thoughts of an emotionally unfaithful partner.

Group differences were also found, with women responding with stronger emotions to emotional and sexual infidelity than men.

Heterosexuals valued emotional and sexual infidelity as more emotionally draining than homosexuals individuals did. Summarizing the findings from studies, heterosexual men seem to be more distressed by sexual infidelity than heterosexual women, lesbian women, and gay men.

After infidelity stress was present. The imbalance causes jealousy in unfaithful relationships and jealousy remained after the relationship concluded.

Women displayed an insecure long-term mating response. Lack of self-worth is evident after the infidelity in the daily life and involvement.

Studies have found that men are more likely to engage in extramarital sex if they are unsatisfied sexually, while women are more likely to engage in extramarital sex if they are unsatisfied emotionally.

Anthropologists tend to believe humans are neither completely monogamous nor completely polygamous. Anthropologist Bobbi Low says we are "slightly polygamous"; while Deborah Blum believes we are "ambiguously monogamous," and slowly moving away from the polygamous habits of our evolutionary ancestors.

According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, there are numerous psychological reasons for adultery. Some people may want to supplement a marriage, solve a sex problem, gather more attention, seek revenge, or have more excitement in the marriage.

But based on Fisher's research, there also is a biological side to adultery. Often, gender differences in both jealousy and infidelity are attributable to cultural factors.

This variation stems from the fact that societies differ in how they view extramarital affairs and jealousy. Therefore, when an individual feels jealousy towards another, it is usually because they are now sharing their primary source of attention and satisfaction.

However, variation can be seen when identifying the behaviors and actions that betray the role of primary attention satisfaction giver.

For instance, in certain cultures if an individual goes out with another of the opposite gender, emotions of intense jealousy can result; however, in other cultures, this behavior is perfectly acceptable and is not given much thought.

It is important to understand where these cultural variations come from and how they root themselves into differing perceptions of infidelity.

While many cultures report infidelity as wrong and admonish it, some are more tolerant of such behaviour. These views are generally linked to the overall liberal nature of the society.

For instance, Danish society is viewed as more liberal than many other cultures, and as such, have correlating liberal views on infidelity and extramarital affairs.

In Danish society, having sex does not necessarily imply a deep emotional attachment. As a result, infidelity does not carry such a severe negative connotation.

The cultural difference is most likely due to the more restrictive nature of Chinese society, thus, making infidelity a more salient concern.

Sexual promiscuity is more prominent in the United States, thus it follows that American society is more preoccupied with infidelity than Chinese society.

Even within Christianity in the United States , there are discrepancies as to how extramarital affairs are viewed. For instance, Protestants and Catholics do not view infidelity with equal severity.

The conception of marriage is also markedly different; while in Roman Catholicism marriage is seen as an indissoluble sacramental bond and does not permit divorce even in cases of infidelity, most Protestant denominations allow for divorce and remarriage for infidelity or other reasons.

Ultimately, it was seen that adults that associated with a religion any denomination were found to view infidelity as much more distressing than those who were not affiliated with a religion.

Those that participated more heavily in their religions were even more conservative in their views on infidelity.

Some research has also suggested that being African American has a positive correlation to infidelity, even when education attainment is controlled for.

For example, Schmitt discusses how tribal cultures with higher pathogen stress are more likely to have polygynous marriage systems; whereas monogamous mating systems usually have relatively lower high-pathogen environments.

Strategic pluralism is a theory that focuses on how environmental factors influence mating strategies. According to this theory, when people live within environments that are demanding and stressful, the need for bi-parental care is greater for increasing the survival of offspring.

Correspondingly, monogamy and commitment are more commonplace. On the other hand, when people live within environments that encompass little stress and threats to the viability of offspring, the need for serious and committed relations is lowered, and therefore promiscuity and infidelity are more common.

Sex ratio theory is a theory that explains the relationship and sexual dynamics within different areas of the world based on the ratio of the number of marriage-aged men to marriage-aged women.

According to this theory, an area has a high sex ratio when there is a higher number of marriage-aged women to marriage-aged men and an area has a low sex ratio when there are more marriage-aged men.

On the other hand, when sex ratios are low, promiscuity is less common because women are in demand and since they desire monogamy and commitment, in order for men to remain competitive in the pool of mates, they must respond to these desires.

Support for this theory comes from evidence showing higher divorce rates in countries with higher sex ratios and higher monogamy rates in countries with lower sex ratios.

While infidelity is by no means exclusive to certain groups of people, its perception can be influenced by other factors.

Furthermore, within a "homogeneous culture," like that in the United States, factors like community size can be strong predictors of how infidelity is perceived.

Larger communities tend to care less about infidelity whereas small towns are much more concerned with such issues. For example, a cantina in a small, rural Mexican community is often viewed as a place where "decent" or "married" women do not go because of its semi-private nature.

Conversely, public spaces like the market or plaza are acceptable areas for heterosexual interaction. A smaller population size presents the threat of being publicly recognized for infidelity.

However, within a larger community of the same Mexican society, entering a bar or watering hole would garner a different view. It would be deemed perfectly acceptable for both married and unmarried individuals to drink at a bar in a large city.

These observations can be paralleled to rural and urban societies in the United States as well. According to a survey of 16, individuals in 53 countries by David Schmitt , mate poaching happens significantly more frequently in Middle Eastern countries such as Turkey and Lebanon , and less frequently in East Asian countries such as China and Japan.

The parental investment theory is used to explain evolutionary pressures that can account for sex differences in infidelity. This theory states that the sex that invests less in the offspring has more to gain from indiscriminate sexual behaviour.

This means that women, who typically invest more time and energy into raising their offspring 9 months of carrying offspring, breast feeding etc.

Men on the other hand, have less parental investment and so they are driven towards indiscriminate sexual activity with multiple partners as such activity increases the likelihood of their reproduction.

It can however, still account for the occurrence of extradyadic sexual relationships among women. For example, a woman whose husband has fertilization difficulties can benefit from engaging in sexual activity outside of her relationship.

She can gain access to high-quality genes and still derive the benefit of parental investment from her husband or partner who is unknowingly investing in their illegitimate child.

One defense mechanism that some researchers believe is effective at preventing infidelity is jealousy. Jealousy is an emotion that can elicit strong responses.

Cases have been commonly documented where sexual jealousy was a direct cause of murders and morbid jealousy. These suggestions are: [64].

Looking at jealousy's physiological mechanism offers support for this idea. Jealousy is a form of stress response which has been shown to activate the sympathetic nervous system by increasing heart rate , blood pressure , and respiration.

Because infidelity imposed such a fitness cost, those who had the jealous emotional response, improved their fitness, and could pass down the jealousy module to the next generation.

Another defense mechanism for preventing infidelity is by social monitoring and acting on any violation of expectations.

Researchers in favor of this defense mechanism speculate that in our ancestor's times, the act of sex or emotional infidelity is what triggered jealousy and therefore the signal detection would have happened only after infidelity had occurred, making jealousy an emotional by-product with no selective function.

A more recently suggested defense mechanism of infidelity attracting more attention is that a particular social group will punish cheaters by damaging their reputation.

This damage will impair the future benefits that individual can confer from the group and its individuals. Support for this defense mechanism comes from fieldwork by Hirsch and his colleagues that found that gossip about extramarital affairs in a small community in Mexico was particularly prevalent and devastating for reputation in this region.

In this community, men having extramarital affairs did so in private areas with lower prevalence of women connected to the community, such as bars and brothels , both areas of which had a high risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections.

The proliferation of sex chat rooms and dating apps has increased the opportunity for people in committed relationships to engage in acts of infidelity on and off the Internet.

A cyber affair is defined as "a romantic or sexual relationship initiated by online contact and maintained primarily via online communication".

The majority of Americans believe that if a partner engaged in cybersex this constitutes as an act of infidelity. In an attempt to differentiate offline and online infidelity, Cooper, Morahan-Martin, Mathy, and Maheu constructed a "Triple-A Engine", which identifies the three aspects of Internet infidelity that distinguish it, to some degree, from traditional infidelity:.

In a study of Dutch undergraduate students involved in serious intimate relationships, participants were presented with four dilemmas concerning a partner's emotional and sexual infidelity over the Internet.

They found a significant sex difference as to whether participants chose sexual and emotional infidelity as more upsetting. More men than women indicated that a partner's sexual involvement would upset them more than a partner's emotional bonding with someone else.

Similarly, in the dilemma involving infidelity over the Internet, more men indicated their partner's sexual involvement would upset them more than a partner's emotional bonding with someone else.

Women, on the other hand, expressed more problems with emotional infidelity over the Internet than did men. Online infidelity can be just as damaging to a relationship as offline physical unfaithfulness.

A possible explanation is that our brain registers virtual and physical acts the same way and responds similarly. A study by Beatriz Lia Avila Mileham in examined the phenomenon of online infidelity in chat rooms.

The following factors were investigated: what elements and dynamics online infidelity involves and how it happens; what leads individuals specifically to the computer to search for a relationship on the side ; whether individuals consider online contacts as infidelity and why or why not; and what dynamics chat room users experience in their marriages.

All countries in Europe, as well as most countries in Latin America have decriminalized adultery; however, in many countries in Africa and Asia particularly the Middle East this type of infidelity is criminalized.

Even where infidelity is not a criminal offense, it may have legal implications in divorce cases; for example it may be a factor in property settlement , the custody of children, the denial of alimony , etc.

The constitutionality of US criminal laws on adultery is unclear due to Supreme Court decisions in giving privacy of sexual intimacy to consenting adults, as well as broader implications of Lawrence v.

Texas Adultery is declared to be illegal in 21 states. In many jurisdictions, adultery may have indirect legal implications, particularly in cases of infliction of violence, such as domestic assaults and killings, in particular by mitigating murder to manslaughter , [91] or otherwise providing for partial or complete defenses in case of violence, especially in cultures where there is a traditional toleration of crimes of passion and honor killings.

Such provisions have been condemned by the Council of Europe and the United Nations in recent years. The Council of Europe Recommendation Rec 5 of the Committee of Ministers to member states on the protection of women against violence states that member states should As the number of women in the workforce increases to match that men, researchers expect the likelihood of infidelity will also increase with workplace interactions.

Kuroki found married women were less likely to have a workplace affair, whereas self-employed individuals are more likely. Companies cannot ban adultery, as, in all but a handful of states, such regulations would run afoul of laws prohibiting discrimination on the basis of marital status.

Firings nonetheless often occur on the basis of charges of inappropriate office conduct. Academics and therapists say cheating is probably more prevalent on the road than close to home.

The protection of the road offers a secret life of romance, far from spouses or partners. Affairs range from one-night stands to relationships that last for years.

They are usually with a co-worker, a business associate or someone they repeatedly encounter. Another reason for the development of office romances is the amount of time co-workers spend together.

Spouses today often spend more time with co-workers in the office than with each other. A Newsweek article notes, "Nearly 60 percent of American women work outside the home, up from about 40 percent in Quite simply, women intersect with more people during the day than they used to.

They go to more meetings, take more business trips and, presumably, participate more in flirtatious water-cooler chatter.

According to Debra Laino in an article for Shave , some of the reasons women cheat at the workplace are because "women are disproportionately exposed to men in the workplace, and, as a direct consequence, many have more options and chances to cheat.

Swinging is a form of extradyadic sex where married couples exchange partners with each other. Swinging was originally called "wife-swapping", but due to the sexist connotations and the fact that many wives were willing to swap partners, "mate swapping" and or "swinging" was substituted.

Swinging can be closed or open, where couples meet and each pair goes off to a separate room or they have sex in the same room.

According to Henshel , the initiation into the world of swinging usually is done by the husband. Reasons for getting involved in swinging are the variety of sexual partners and experiences, pleasure or excitement, meeting new people, and voyeurism.

Another form of extradyadic sex is polyamory , a "non-possessive, honest, responsible and ethical philosophy and practice of loving multiple people simultaneously".

One type of group relationship can be a triad involving a married couple and an additional person who all share sexual intimacy, however, it is usually an addition of a female.

Polyamorous relationships are distinguished from extramarital affairs by the full disclosure and consent of all involved.

Because both men and women can have multiple partners, these individuals do not consider themselves to be either uncommitted or unfaithful. From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

Cheating, adultery, or having an affair. For other uses, see Infidelity disambiguation. Diagram of parallel relationships infidelity.

Polygamy Polyandry Polygyny. Cicisbeo Concubinage Courtesan Mistress. Breakup Separation Annulment Divorce Widowhood.

Emotions and feelings. International Journal of Comparative Sociology. The New York Times. Journal of Sex Research.

American Journal of Public Health. Journal of Marriage and Family. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. Archived from the original on People and Place.

Law and ethics of AID and embryo transfer. Ciba Foundation symposium. Vol J Epidemiol Community Health. Am J Hum Genet. Proc Biol Sci.

Personality and Individual Differences. Psychological Science. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

Personality and Social Psychology Review. Australian Journal of Psychology. We find strong genetic effects on extrapair mating in women and, for the first time, in men.

Behavioral and Brain Sciences. Envy and jealousy: Self and society. The Psychology of Jealousy and Envy. New York: Henry Holt.

Psychology Today. Retrieved

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